The Author's estate
by Vulcanblood
Summary: Join me, sit by the fire and hear my twisted tale! Moved from Twilight section for because of later chapters  and odd solicitations by random Twihards O O  T because of Ne-Ne-chan mostly, some from Re-san and Jer-sensei! Allergy info: may include nuts
1. Parody becomes proverb

_**A/N: Why hello there. None of you probably know me, mostly because my usual haunts are Star Trek and Hetalia, but also because I don't wish to be known by your kind. Heh heh heh...**_

** Just wait a bit. They'll be here soon!**

The scene opens on a stereotypical evil lair (think English) with a teenaged girl sitting in a large arm chair in front of a blazing hearth. The girl has raven colored hair and green eyes, pointed ears, and is wearing a navy blue military uniform with black trim, her palms together, a maniacal smile on her lips.

"Good evening my vampire obsessed vict- I mean friends! I am the Author. You may refer to me as, Your eloquence, or My lady of perpetual grammar." Her accent was neither British or German, but something in between. "Tonight I will be reading a story from my book of evil." She let out a giggle, but it sounded more like a maniacal laugh then anything else. Behind her chair stood a tall man in a black trench-coat and leather boots wearing a metal face mask, fedora, and leather gloves. No skin was showing whatsoever. The teenager gestured to him;

"This is Ne humanus crede. He is my partner in crime. And if you try and find us, he will hit you with his lead pipe." The author smiled her evil smile, and the man chuckled.

"Mistress, you know me. I would do far worse than that..." She dipped her head in reparation.

"My deepest apologies. I should have known better." She poked him in the side, and he handed her a book bound in green leather and brass findings. Three little kids named Jimmy, Ivan, and Rinny were sitting on the floor playing with toy monster trucks, pandas, and Star Trek plushies, and were looking up expectantly at the Author.

"Story time!"

Author shook her head and chuckled.

"Yes children. It is story time. Now be quiet or Ne-Ne will put you to bed."

"Aww..." but they shut up. Author looked out to the audience.

"One last thing before we start. No one is allowed to call Ne humanus crede, Ne-Ne except for the children and me. It's safer that way." With that, she opened the large book and started reading.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a little town in Washington U.S.A. Her name was Bella, and she had a problem. She was in love with both of her friends. Both boys were convinced they had magical powers. One of the boys was anemic and protein deficient, believing he was a vampire. The other was hairy and had somnambulism, leading him to believe he was a were-wolf. The two boys fought over their beloved Bella for years, eventually killing each other. Bella was heartbroken, and she never drank whiskey again."

Random Twihard: "What does whiskey have to do with it...?"

The Author rolled her eyes.

"Shhh! Your ruining the story! How did you get in here anyway? Ne-Ne, if you will?" The demon man obliged, dragging the unfortunate fangirl away. "OK. Now to wrap up, can anyone tell me the moral of this story?"

Rinny stood up proudly, straightened her red curls, and spoke.

"Pursuit of the sins of the flesh will lead to the demise of the soul." She paused, trying to remember something. "Oh! And the liquor cabinet is off limits." Ivan looked shamefacedly at his shoes. The Author smiled.

"Accurate to the letter my dear. Now off to bed you two." She picked up the sleeping Feli and and grabbed the hand of a sheepish Ivan, with Ne-Ne holding the hand of Rinny. They lead the children to the bedroom, where many other children slept in beds of their own. Author tucked them in and kissed them goodnight after they said their prayers and crawled into bed. Ne-Ne stood to the side watching, but a blush was brought to his face beneath the mask when Rinny kissed him on the cheek.

"Nigh-nigh Ne-Ne!" the little ginger child pulled up the covers and was quickly asleep with the others. The Author and Ne humanus crede left the large bedroom and closed the door silently, deferring to the kitchen, where they feasted upon a multitude of fruits (NOTE: Avocados ARE SO a fruit, Miss Sunshine girl.). Author turned twords the audience.

"And now that you know, are you surprised that I run an orphanage? Or does it seem fitting?"

She laughed, but this time it was more genuine.

_**A/N:Ok, so this is not really pure fanfic I suppose. It's more of a crack-stick idea that I came up with. You know, teaching orphans life lessons with crappy Twilight parody stories in which all the characters die? Eh, whatever. **_**REVIEW PLEASE! Flames will be used to warm the home of the poor orphans! DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.**


	2. THIS CHAPTER IS HELLISHLY LOOOOOONG

**A/N: Hey Twihards! Ne-Ne and I are back! And I need you peoples to resolve a dilemma for me. **

**Avacados ARE fruits, are they not? Yes they are. Avacados are the fleshy part of the plant that holds the seed, THEREFORE, THEY ARE A FRUIT! Anyone disagrees and Ne-Ne-chan will find you.**

**Ne-Ne: Ne conjugare nobiscum.**

**Just read the story. Please.**

The Author and Ne-Ne awoke at the crack of dawn to start the daily duties of running an orphanage, which were in quite an abundance. The two were seated at the large kitchen table sipping coffee and going over the daily schedule with their part-time and full time staff members. In the back ground, servants scurried around, cleaning and tidying. One of the part-timers, a 16 year old kid, was bolt upright and staring, terrified, at Ne-Ne and his creepy mask. Clearly, he was new.

"Okaaaaaaay..." breathed Author, a pencil behind her pointed ear,

"Today's duties:

We have soccer practice for Ivan, James, Albert, and Rinny from 9:00-10:30,

Spiro has his classes over at MU 9:30 until 4:00.

At 11:00 I need some one to go to the library when it opens and pick up our lists for myself and the children,

And at 2:00 I need someone to go grocery shopping, cash some checks at the bank, and stop at the hardware store for me.

Oh! And I need someone on nanny duty for the chibis and the older ones"

She waited for reply, but none spoke. They knew she already had everyone picked out for each job. "Alrighty, no volunteers. Francis, you can take Ivan, James, Albert, and Rinny. Arthur, you can take Spiro at 9:30 and pick him up at 4:00, and go to the library at tw-..." she stopped, and noticed the new face sitting at the table. "Hello! You must be Chazz!" her smile brightened considerabley. "Dieter can take you with him on errands today and show you the ropes." she gave Arthur a look. "2 o'clock." She checked the clip board over and wrote a few things down. "Ne-Ne, would you mind looking after the chibi?" she glanced nervously at the tall man.

"Sic. I do not mind."

As he spoke, everyone (except for Author, and Sunshine) gave an involuntary shudder. His voice was like that of many speaking out at once, and frankly, Chazz was about to fall off his chair in fear of the man (not man, demon). What had he gotten himself into?

"Ok. Ne-Ne, Aves, and... Sunshine?" At the fifteen year old's enthusiastic nod she continued. "You guys can look after the kids while I leave." Aves frowned. She had never liked the goofy teenager or the creepy demon-man. Author sighed. "Don't kill each other. If any of you guys don't like your assignments, I could always bring you with Renard, Jerard and I to the charity baquet." At this, everyone was of one mind.

"NO!"

"Why would you deny us of our pleasure my dear Author?" Renard crossed his arms and Jerard pouted.

Author face-palmed and sighed.

"Just get your lazy asses going. Remember we have the charity banquet later today at Winston manor. Lets go get ready." she grabbed the two by the coat sleeves and dragged them behind her as she called to the others "Get on your tasks, call me for questions. Ne-Ne is in charge!" The two men she dragged behind her waved at the others.

"Have fun with Ne-Ne, guys!" Jerard snickered. With Author gone, even Francis was a bit scared.

Ne-Ne was bound to Author. Not the rest of the group. Sunshine and Dieter were totally oblivious to everyone 's mood, pouring seventeen bowls of cereal for the kids. Francis got to work on breakfast for those sitting at the table, all the while arguing with Arthur. Both Dieter and Aves were arguing as well. Sunshine face-palmed and sighed deeply.

"Hey! Guys!" But as always in a situation where four people were arguing, no one could hear her. "Shut up!" exasperated, she face-palmed once again. Ne-Ne was observing the situation, and his mood reflected Sunshine's exasperation. He sighed, shook his head, and took a deep breath.

"SILENCE, PUNY MORTALS! COITUS NON CIRCUM!" At his outburst, all fell quiet, and were shaking in their chairs. Deep in the woods nearby, the werewolves looked up in curiosity.

"What was that?"

"I dunno Jacob."

Back in the main house, Ne-Ne stood leaning over the table, palms out flat.

"Now If any of you mortal's irritates me once more. Be prepared to hang outside the balcony over the vampire and werewolf infested forest." satisfied, he sat back in his chair, arms behind head, and waved in a backhanded way. "Carry on." The staff members were all cowering fear. Even Sunshine. She skipped nervously to the kids' bed room

"I'll go wake them up!" Arthur, Kyle, Aves, Chazz, and Francis looked at each other incredulously. Sunshine must be insane if she could could tolerate Ne-Ne to any extent.

About an hour later, after picking up some breakfast from a local diner, Author, Renard, and Jerard were driving (well, Renard was driving) down the road twords the downtown area, the two men chatting happily together.

"Do either of you want to tell me where we're going? All you've said so far was that we were 'getting ready' for the banquet." she crossed her arms and blew her black bangs from her narrowed green eyes. The two looked at each other from the front seat and smiled evilly.

"Well..." started Renard, "You being the owner and heir to the estate, you cannot wear one of your military uniforms. It's just not lady like, we're taking you dress shopping!"

Time seemed to stop, the world ceased turning. Author let out a long tortured scream.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I would rather be decapitated with a butter knife! YOU BASTARDS! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Author continued screaming and tried to open the door, but it was locked. She compensated by kicking Renard's chair and crossed her arms and pouted.

"Well, she took it better then I thought she would," observed Jerard. Author shot him a dirty look, and both the men ducked their heads sheepishly. They pulled into a roadside parking space alongside the shops downtown and tried unsuccessfully to coax her from the car.

"But you need to look nice!"

"I will kill you."

"Pleeeeeease?"

"Never."

"Come now Author-chan, do it for the children!"

"... Fine. But only for the chibi" The two Japanese men grabbed her by the arms and gently took her from the car, holding her hands to keep her from running away. "And don't call me Author-chan, Jerard-sensei."

"Author-kan, then?"

"Aiya! Fine, Baka."

Renard whisperd into Jerard's ear.

"You realise that we look like a couple and their daughter walking down the street." Jerard almost broke into giggles, but he was a master of control, the only sign was a twitch of his lip.

"Was that not our original plan my lover?" he whispered back. Author rolled her eyes. Typical Jerard and Renard. They really were 100% straight, but they pretended like this daily. Renard was not as controlled, and almost collapsed into a fit of giggles.

"Walk forward, Baka!"

The three made their way down the sidewalk, still hand in hand, with Author grumbling about what Ne-Ne would do to them when they got home. Renard saw a dress shop with nice looking ones in the windows.

"Oh my goodness! Look at this one!" He squealed with joy as he pointed to a beautiful dress in the window, and dragged the other two into the store. They stepped over the threshold, and a shiver ran down Author's back. This was the domain of people of fashion and style, such as Renard and Francis, NOT a thirteen year-old author/heiress with a penchant for military uniforms. Renard was talking excitedly to the store-lady, who smiled brightly and took the dress down gently from the window. Renard steered her to the changing rooms, and he pushed her inside, closeing the door and propping it closed with a chair.

"BAKA! LET ME OUT!"

He smirked evilly and handed the dress in carefully.

"Only if you try this on first." Grumbling and swearing in multiple languages was heard inside, but she tried it on nevertheless. As she walked out of the little room, Renard, Jerard, and the store-lady let out similar gasps of approval. Author scowled at them.

"Close your mouths before flies get in your internal organs."

Her mouth was hard-set into a frown, until she walked in front of the full length mirror and caught a glimpse of herself, and also let out a gasp, her frown loosening into a small smile. The dress was floor-length and olive green, accenting her pale skin and eyes perfectly. The bodice had no straps, and was beaded in a intricate pattern that swirled and curled nicely, with a black sash around the waist that tied into a thin bow around to the back.

"Oh..." she whispered.

"Author-chan! You look bea-u-ti-ful!" Author was so surprised, she didn't even acknowledge his patronization. Author walked back to the changing room and returned to her regular military style clothing.

"We're buying that" said Jerard and Renard, almost in unison, pointing to the gorgeous dress. They had it put in the bag and it was sold in seconds. As they walked out of the store and back to the car, Author voiced a question that had been nagging her for a while.

"Isn't this dress a bit to formal for a simple banquet?" she was right, but the look that passed between the two Asian gentleman spoke volumes.

"Um... this isn't just a banquet... it's a ball too..." Author face-palmed.

"I knew there was a catch somewhere."

"Sorry Author-chan." they both apologized. Soon the three were in the car and driving around looking for something amusing to do until lunch time.

**A/N: Holy Surak! That was probably the longest chappie I have written thus-so-far. I'm sorry that I didn't get another amusing Twi-tale (that is what I have decided to call those short fairy-tale thingies that Ne-Ne and Author tell the chibis) in this chapter, but rest assured, my anonymous cohort has devised another one (and no, he isn't going to reveal his identity). Ok, methinks you peoples needs some explanations or I will get an inbox full of questions (Not that I would object to that of course!).**

**About Renard (fyi: a renard is a male fox) and Jerard being Japanese; these guys are cousins (believe it or not) and were friends of Author's parents (what happened to them will be revealed all in due time my loyal readers!), who were a Japanese/****** dad and a Euro-mutt mom (all sorts of stuff in her background). Heh. If you know Star Trek, I bet you can guess what ****** is. **

**Translations: **

**Japanese (some content gathered from anime . org )**

**Baka: **Fool (Gratzi, Daeth, and Amyanddan for the definition)

**Author-chan:** -chan is an honorific suffix usually used to address young children, but can also be used by friends of all ages, or an elder man to a younger women (it has a very patronizing feel to it in this context).

**Jerard-sensei:** -sensei is an honorific suffix traditionally used to address people who hold a position of social respect, such as teachers, instructors, doctors or advisors. Is also used for novelists or mangaka, but usually not actors, directors, or musicians. It literally means "born before," but can be used to address people younger than yourself if they are in a position of respect such as the ones mentioned.

**I call him Jerard-sensei because, like Author, is also a novelist, and he taught her everything she knows about writing (aside from book learning).**

**Latin**

**Ne conjugare nobiscum:** Don't fudge* with us

***(Ok, sorry. This one isn't accurate. The real definition is a bit stronger.)**

**COITUS NON CIRCUM: **STOP FUDGING* AROUND!

***(same here)**

**Ok... that about covers everything. Put your questions in a review so that everyone can see it. I hate repeating myself. **

**R&R PEOPLES!**

**(I still have those pigeon owls) XD **

**Review = cookie**

**OH! One more thing, Lights, by Ellie Goulding is officially the best song of the century!**


	3. The other S word

**A/N: HI! SORRY FOR THE WAIT! I'm incredibly lazy at times, so please forgive me and my viola. **

**First order of business:**

**I want/need reviews. So my friends, I have a plan. **

**Sunshine-chan: Get the groupies over here! (you know, Amyanddan, Chazz, Music Wiz (the ginger one))**

**Zie-chan: Canz u get invaders over here?**

**Lighty-chan and Okami-chan: Find me some trekkies!**

**Daeth-kun: Um...do whatever it is you do and drag in some reviewers. :D**

**All else: REVIEW!**

**Second order: **

**I had to move this story over from Twilight to a Artemis Fowl/Twilight crossover. I keep getting RP (role play) requests from Twihards who haven't even read the story. EGADS! STAAAY AWAY! This story also has covert Trek:TOS references and some charries are based off of the manga/anime series Fruits Basket (Furuba forever!) and the anime Hetalia: Axis Powers (PASTAAAA!). Hints: Ivan is Ivan (aren't I inventive? XD), Jerard and Renard are Japanese cousins...?... GUESS PEOPLES! **

**Third order:_ Review responses_**

**Sunshine... Avocados ARE A FRUIT!**

**Nemo: At this time, I cannae reveal that bit of information. Keep reading and reviewing to find out. **

**That should be all until the end of the chapter. I shant keep you waiting. ^.^**

The "family" arrived at a small establishment (read; fancy restaurant) for their mid-day meal, and were seated at a table near the middle of the busy room. Near them was a table with a family of five- A mother, a father, and three boys. One a pale and skinny teen, the others twin boys with blond curls and loud voices, maybe four or five. The father and the older son were having a deep conversation, and the waitress who was trying to take their orders was at a loss. The mother only looked on in amusement.

"Arty!"

Both of the men looked up from the conversation, startled. They saw the waitress, and ordered their food. Author noticed a man sitting at a nearby table who looked like he was reading a newspaper, but to her experienced eye, she could see that he was watching the family next to him. She rolled her eyes and sniggered, drawing the man's attention. His pale blue eyes bored into her bright green ones as the tension built. But she was not one to be intimidated. She waved at him and smiled happily. He responded by picking up his paper again and ignoring her. The waitress came over to their table and they ordered drinks and food. As they waited, Jerrard pulled out a notebook and a pencil, and started writing.

"Is it really the time for that?" Author inquired.

"Yes! I have a deadline to keep! I'm surprised that _you _aren't writing, your deadline is coming up too."

"...Whatever... Mind your own editor."

Renard hummed a fast waltz and drummed his fingers on the table as they waited for food. A short while later, the waitress came with the food and drinks and set them on the table. As she set them down, Author looked at the waitress in puzzlement. 

"Excuse me, but I ordered spatzle, not lobster." the waitress looked over to the other table, and sighed.

"I'm terribly sorry Miss Black. It seems we mixed up your order with that of the young man over there." she gestured to the other table, where the other waitress seemed to be having a similar problem. They switched the orders of lobster and spatzle to their proper receivers, who were grateful for the change.

"You would think that they would get it right after all the times I've come here" she muttered. Author sighed and took a bite, closing her eyes to savor the taste. It brought back memories of another time.

As they were driving back from the restaurant to the estate, they passed through the dark forest and rolled up the windows and locked to doors (Just in case of, you know, werewolves or glitter-bread-men). They reached home at around twelve o'clock in the afternoon, just in time for Author to start lunch... egad. They walked in through the front door and slammed it loudly.

"WE'RE HOME!" yelled Author, bounding up the stairs. She hid in her anitchamber and locked it with a loud slam. No way they were going to dress her up for this ball right now.

**AN: **Annnnnd cutscene. Sorry for short chapter, but I need to get some of this up now. It's getting hard to write long chapters because of my drawing/viola/piano/orchestra/algebra/reading stuff. I'm thinking of getting a website (not deviant art unfortunately) when my parents decide to let me have facebook and an email for my artwork. I have a lot of drawings for my stories, but I have no way to share them **(ALL IN FAVOR OF ME GETTING MY OWN EMAIL ACCOUNT SAY "AYE")**. I promise to get working on the next chapter when I find time!

**And now for a bit of news about my Sketch book!:**

**Guess whaaaat! I drew Ne-Ne and Author-chan! I also drew Sunshine for one of my Star Trek stories, but she looks the same in both. That also goes for V' and Author-chan. In speaking of which, I drew her dress and by golly it looks splendorous! If you want me to describe some details about little things in my story, just ask me in a review! I'll answer a few questions every chapter if it won't mess with the story line. Bye! I have to work on the next chapter!**


	4. Back in buisness

**A/N: If anyone sees Daeth... tell him not to kill me. I HAS UPDATED! My apologies Homeslice-sama. This last chapter took eight pages. Hope you enjoy it.**

Author put a chair under the door knob and put her back to the cool, hard, wood. Safety. For now...

"Salut, Mon cheri." Francis stepped out from inside the adjoining parlor into her main bed room.

"HOLY-" she screamed, then she realised who it was and calmed a bit. "Francis... what the devil are you doing in here?"

"Ohonhonhon~!" Francis chuckled gleefully. "I knew you would resist ze attempt at your beautification. So I decided to stake out your parlor." Francis sat upon her bed, leaning on one elbow.

"Francis. You do know how much I hate it when you break into my room like this, don't you?" Francis let out a forlorn sigh. "How do I know that you don't bring others into my personal areas?"

"Oui, Mon cheri, I do, but you realise this is all your fault!" he looked to the ceiling a bit dramatically. Author was not amused. She narrowed her eyes at the flamboyant Frenchman.

"How so."

At this he jumped up from his reclining position.

"First of all, the lock on your door has not been changed in over a week! I accepted your subconscious challenge of my skill. If I had not, it would be admitting defeat, no?" he got up and pulled her to sit next to him on her bed. "Secondly, I have taken it upon moi to make you look stunning tonight." He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his chest. "And last, ma belle, It is your own fault for being born so late..." he purred into her ear. He brushed a strand of hair from her face and kissed her lips tenderly.

Suddenly, a loud crash was heard. The door smacked into the wall, and in strode Renard who locked the door behind him.

"Francis-san!" he gasped. The man in question pulled away sheepishly and lay back against the bed's headboard.

"Oui, Monsieur Renard? Mon cheri and I were merely speaking, and you have to come bursting in like this?" He clicked his tongue disapprovingly.

All this while, no one had noticed Author's face becoming red with rage. She chose her words carefully, her hands shaking with anger.

"What... Are... You... DOING?" she yelled at Francis. She attempted to punch him in the face with a fist, but he grabbed her by the jacket collar and hoisted her into the air. He clicked his tongue disapprovingly and shook his finger in her face.

"Mon dieu! This is not lady-like behavior!"

Author swung at him again, seething mad. Renard grabbed her in a tight hug to restrain her.

"Oh Author-chan! I will protect you from this pedophilic Frenchman with my life!" he gave Francis a hard look, and turned away from him, taking Author into the parlor, stroking her hair and making comforting sounds.

"There there. The bad man is gone."

Author was still scarred from the recent ordeal, and she let him sit her down and brush out her long black locks. Francis, still seated in her bed, pouted to himself.

"Ren-sama," she inquired, "Did those people look familiar at the restaurant to you as well?" Inside, Renard blanched. He knew something like this could happen if she saw that boy again...

"Of course not, Onisan," he lied. "You have never met them to my knowledge."

"Are you sure?" she persisted, but he said nothing, only sighing and untangling her mane of wavy black hair with his long fingers and a horse-hair brush. She closed her eyes and let the rhythm of the brush strokes consume her mind, washing away the stress of running her parent's legacy. She felt a warm breath on her cheek and, startled, sat bolt upright.

"You look peaceful as you sleep, no?"

Francis.

She glared at him. His mouth broke into a small smile. Renard cleared his throat to break the tension.

"Author-chan! It's time to get you ready!" she also treated the silver haired man with a death glare.

"Fine. Let's get it over with."

The two fashion-fluent men got to work. Renard brought out her dress and locked Francis in the parlor. He laid the gown in her arms and directed her to change in the dressing room. She reappeared a minute later, turning in circles, trying to reach the zipper in the back of the dress. Renard gave an exasperated roll of his eyes, grabbed her shoulders, and zipped up the back.

"Oh. Thank you Ren-sama."

"You are most welcome."

He sat her down on a stool, and arranged the dress to the right places on her figure.

"There! All done!" he sighed, "Can I get Francis to work his magic now?"

She sighed deeply in reply.

"I suppose."

Francis walked into the room with aristocratic grace and poise.

"Now, what would you have me do?" he inquired, raising both golden eyebrows to frame his true question. Renard whispered something unintelligible into the Frenchman's ear. Francis' eyes widened with pleasure. He knelt beside her and traced the lines of her face, 'hmmm'-ing to himself.

"Aha! I have a plan."

His face was smug, and he closed her eyelids gently and began the process.

**))))'*-*'((((**

Twenty minutes, four brushes, and seventeen damns later, he was done. Francis stood back to admire his work.

"Mon dieu! You are more beautiful than all the paintings in the Lourve, Cheri!"

He snuck a quick kiss on her cheek, and then took her hand, leading her out of the room. She scowled for what seemed like the thousandth time that evening.

**))))'*-*'(((( **

Downstairs, the older children, Ivan, Rinny, Spiro, Albert, and James, along with Ne-Ne, and Dieter, sat around the table while the kids ate dinner. The younger kids were with Arthur and Aves, running around the play room and screaming happily. Their attention turned to the stairs as Renard cleared his throat. Behind him was a scowling Author and a smiling Francis (never a good sign), leading her down the stairs. A collective gasp went up as they witnessed Author in all her glory.

"Quit gaping Dieter!" she snapped at the poor German, "I swear, you're worse then Francis."

"Uh... Sorry..." his face turned scarlet and he looked away. Suddenly, a loud knock came at the tall wooden door. Author sighed with relief and answered it. Outside stood an Asian kid, with a long black cloak and a stuffed tiger in his hand.

"Oi, Liam! It's about time you got here!"

"Well I said I would come, didn't I, Author-chan?" Liam stepped in the door to the confused looks of the others.

"Eh... Not to pry, But vhat is this boy doing here?" inquired Dieter, who peered curiously at Liam.

"Liam?" she gestured to him, "He's here to help out. With Ne-Ne, Francis, Arthur, Jerard and I gone, I figured you guys could use some extra help." Alfred's eyes narrowed.

"How old is this dude, like thirteen? I turn fourteen in a week, Author! I don't need a babysitter!" Ivan and Author looked at each other and sighed simultaneously.

"Comrade Alfred," asked Ivan carefully, "How old do you believe Author to be?"

"I dunno, like, seventeen or something?"

"Alfred, I'm thirteen," she sighed, "and younger then you, I might add." Alfred's eye brows furrowed as he processed this information.

"Wait... What?" Rinny came over and took his hand.

"Shhh... It's okay, don't strain yourself. Let's go play Madden." He nodded numbly and allowed himself to be led away. His mind suddenly came to a certain realisation...

"Wha... Francis! You're a creeper!" he yelled over his shoulder in horror.

"You just now realised this?" muttered Author. She gave Liam a piece of paper with all their phone numbers and emergency information and stuff. "Okay. We'll be home late, there's pizza and some fruit juice in the fridge. Make sure Spiro goes to bed on time. Confiscate his flashlights if you have to. Bye everyone!" Ivan hugged her goodbye, giving her a shy kiss on the cheek as they broke apart. Author , surprised, touched her cheek and smiled a bit. Francis grunted with irritation. He grabbed her hand, and Author, Ne-Ne, Jerard, Arthur, and Francis made their way out of the door, disappearing into the night.

Ivan walked into his room in a daze. He hadn't really done that, had he? It certainly wasn't proper, it was a breach of etiquette, as public display of such emotions always were. But why had he felt the need? Was he truly ready to voice his affections to the girl he had a soft spot for, under his rigid and calculating, sometimes cruel, exterior? He closed the door behind him, the only sound in the cool darkness of his room his slow breathing. He never made his decision. All he felt was a blow to his head, then, nothing. He didn't even have time to scream...

**))))'*-*'((((**

Ne-Ne drove with Arthur in shotgun, which left Author, Jerard, and Francis to negotiate the backseat. In the end, Author sat on the right, Jerard on the left, and Francis on the middle hump, much to his disapproval. They strapped themselves in, and pulled out of the drive. Jerard and Arthur chatted amiably while Ne-Ne drove in silence. Francis huffed angrily at his seating arrangement. He feigned exhaustion and streaaaaached his arms up to the ceiling of the car, letting one fall nonchalantly behind the shoulders of the oblivious Author. Jerard and Arthur fell into a heated argument, while Ne-Ne focused primarily on the road. Author was "with the fairies," butterflies in her stomach, thinking about that little kiss on the cheek. That one crack in Ivan's normally cold shell. It shouldn't mean anything, she thought, Francis could do something far worse to a girl, and it wouldn't mean anything, she assured herself, but...

"I am not Ivan," the Frenchman whispered in her ear "I could not be contented with a mere kiss to the cheek..." Francis dropped his arm closer around her shoulders, his long index finger stroking her cheek. She was saved by Ne-Ne, yet again. At least she had him, she thought, He was a constant. He would never change.

"EVERYONE! Stop your bickering children. We're here."

They stepped out, Arthur and Jerard still fighting, Ne-Ne stood between them, lecturing about proper party behavior. Francis took this opportunity to take Author aside, grabbing her arm gently, and guiding her to an enclosed rose garden. She looked up at him, his eyes as deep and as blue as the ocean so many miles away.

"Cheri, Author, when we enter this hall, those in the position to judge you will. Our goal is to entrance these people with our charms and personality. I have done my part. I have made you into the beauty I know you to be." he took her hand gently in his. Author raised an eyebrow, curious. "My mother and father, they live in France, running the family vineyards, sitting on a dragon's hoard." he chuckled at this, imagining his dear papa, a dragon. He supposed it suited him a bit too well. "But I will not have access to the family funds until I have married, and therefore cannot be of as much use to your noble cause. But if I were given access to these funds, then both the orphanage and moi," he gestured to himself, "would benefit immensely." he smiled at her with tenderness she had never seen before in his eyes. "Mon cheri, I have done my part, will you do yours?" Francis slowly lowered himself to one knee, and pulled out a black velvet box, opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond engagement ring, sparkling in the light of the stars.

"Oh Francis... But I-I-I'm thirteen!"

"I can have it arranged. I have friends in high places."

"I can't give you everything you want... Not in that way. It's just not right!"

Francis embraced her in his strong arms, "You are everything I could ever want right now, Mon Cheri. I will be a gentleman for you. I will be everything for you. I can be your lover. But if that sort of love is not what you want, I can wait. I will not stray from you. I promise." Author looked up at the man that would marry her. The internal debate was raging on. She could marry Francis, and sever the ties to her youth that still had holds on her, all in the name of the children she loved, or she could be stubborn and follow the traditions of society. When it came down to the children, or social grievances, she had no qualms.

"I'll marry you."

**))))'*-*'((((**

Ne-Ne was irritated. First of all, he was babysitting Arthur and Jerard, once again. Second of all, Francis was alone with Author, once again. And last of all, he was wearing a suit, instead of his usual cloak and trench coat. He still had his cane though, he was grateful for that in the least. They were inside a gigantic hall, full of people dancing. The men talking arrogantly, the women giggling foolishly. Both Arthur and Jerard were in their element, twirling girls with brightly colored skirts around the hall, making moronic small talk. The music changed to a slow waltz, the three-four tempo not throwing either of them in the slightest. Suddenly and unexpectedly, he spotted Francis... Dancing with Author? The two chatting amiably as if they were on the best of terms. At first he was puzzled, then incredulous, then utterly confused. Was this the end of life as they knew it? He grabbed Jerard as he waltzed by. His beautiful dance partner scowling at first, then realizing who she was frowning at, gasped and cowered in some random corner.

"Look!" he hissed in Jerard's ear, pointing a gloved finger at the waltzing couple. Jerard was just as confused.

"Did hell just freeze over?" he shook his head in astonishment. Then whipped his head back up. "Ne-Ne... what is that on her finger?" Ne-Ne looked, puzzled once more, at the hand of his young charge. Jerard's eyes went wide. "Is that a..."

"Now _this_ is quite curious."

The two men waited on the outer edge of the dancers, trying to get closer to the odd couple. Eventually, they came close enough.

"What did we miss?" hissed Jerard, Francis just chuckled.

"You'll see soon enough."

**))))'*-*'((((**

As the songs changed, a young man with raven hair and piercing blue eyes approached Author.

"May I have this dance?"

"Certainly. May I inquire as to your name?"

"Artemis Fowl, the second. And yourself?"

"Amanda Black."

Artemis twirled her as part of the dance, until she found herself facing him once again.

"Pleased to meet your acquaintance, Miss Black." Author chuckled a bit. "What's so funny?" he asked, confused,

"It's just that no ever calls me that. If you like, you can call me Author, like everyone else, Mist-Master" she corrected herself, "Fowl. What should I call you?" they paused a moment to spin again, when she came back around, his eyebrows were raised.

"Artemis, I suppose. You would seem to be only a few years older then myself, anyway." this statement gave her reason to chuckle once again.

"I doubt it," she smiled sheepishly, "You would have to be eleven." Seemingly impossibly, his eyebrows were raised even higher.

"Indeed. I am not."

The next dance was a more modern slow dance, which surprised them. Artemis offered to break away and find other partners.

"Nah, this is better then dancing with a total stranger."

"I suppose." Artemis was a bit nervous, this style was a bit alien to him. He knew the steps, but still, it was a bit different from what he was used to. He needn't have worried. Author was an expert. She guided his hands to her waist, lying her head on his shoulder, much to his surprise. As she saw the area where Ne-Ne, Jerard, Arthur, and Francis were, she pointed over. The area was also home to a large family of cushy arm chairs.

"Want to sit down? My feet are killing me." Artemis nodded in response, and they made their way over, sitting in two of the comfortable chairs.

"Author!" cried Jerard, "Anything Arthur says, don't listen to him!"

"Whatever you say."

Artemis looked at the spazzy Japanese gentleman curiously.

"Author, is this your father?"

Ne-Ne, Francis, and Arthur looked at each other in unison, and burst out laughing.

"Well... sort of..." she started, looking sideways at Jerard, who promptly stuck his tongue out at Arthur, who glared at him, "But not really... He's my legal guardian, my dad and mom are both dead as of awhile ago." Artemis wasn't really prepared for that.

"I'm sorry for your lose."

"I never think about it that much. I've got an entire orphanage to run, anyway."

Suddenly, she felt an blow to the back of her head, and everything went black.

**A/N: Hallo! Konichiwa! Salut! Privyet! Haey! I didn't work over spring break, so I apologize. ANNNNNND... SUMMER IS HERE! So I have swim practice, ACT studying (bleh, can't believe that my parents PAY for me to take the test), relatives, vacation in the coming up, VBS... etc. etc. D'arvit. First of all, Renard has silver hair, but he's officially 27 (I have a list of every single character for this story. Even the kids). Francis is 23, and Author is 13, so age difference there is, but he's Francis. What Francis wants, he gets. I feel sorry for poor Ivan. :'( I hope his head feels better. Meh. It grows hard to fit all the Artemis Fowl bits AND twi-tales (sorry, none this time. ): ) in here at the same time, while still following story arc, so chapters will be long, and (a bit) far in between. I love all my readers, and recommendations to others who then in turn review is greatly appreciated. :D **

**Ah well... **

**:3**

**TT,TT**

**Author's Playlist of Awesomes:**

**Young Homie, Chris Rene**

**Somebody that I used to know, (I forgets artist, :P)**

**Turn to Stone, ELO**

**Lights, Ellie Goulding **

**Starships, Nikki Manaj (Is that how you spell it?)**

**Rolling in the Deep, Adele**

**Anything by ELO**

**Anything Queen or David Bowie**

**(Right now, let's assume that all you people agree with me that Mister Bowie was quite HAWT in the Labyrinth :3) **

**Anything Greenday :D**

**Did I mention ELO? :3**

**NEW AWESOME! Paradise, Coldplay. **

**(:D I have a blanket with coldplay written out in big green letters on it.)**

**OH, and I have a joke for you! ^,^**

**How many anime fans does it take to change a lightbulb?**

**OVER NINE THOUSAND!**


	5. Into the woods

Author awoke suddenly, as her head knocked against the seat when the car ran over a particularly deep rut. Weird dream... She had been proposed to, and Ivan had been attacked in his sleep.

She gave Francis an odd look and scooted closer to Renard and Jerard.

"What is it, mon cheri?" he purred,

"Oh... nothing."

Back at the estate, things were... not going so well... to put it the best possible way.

The little ones were all asleep (or in Spiro's case, "sleeping" while actually reading with a flashlight under the covers), but something was not right. The tension in the room was so thick, you could have cut it with a bloody knife. Dieter and Liam looked to one another in alarm as the doorbell rang.

*Ding dong!*

Albert immediately freaked out.

"OMG OMG OMG guys!" he screamed "Like, the doorbell rang! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Ivan rolled his violet orbs. This was why he hated that stupid Albert so much. He was so loud and obnoxious, and handsome and was loved by everyone. _Especially Author,_ he thought sadly. Albert was hiding behind the couch, arms around knees, rocking back and forth.

Liam, Dieter, and Ivan approached the large wooden door, bell still ringing, with careful steps. Ivan with his trusty metal pipe, Liam pulling some machete-saw thing from the depths of his creepy black cape, and Dieter carefully extricating a improbably large handgun from his jeans waistband. Dieter opened the door a crack, gun ready, with Ivan and Liam on either side of the door, ready to strike. The door creaked open slowly to reveal...

"Hello sir, would you like to buy a magazine subscription?"

The unsuspecting college kid (whom Dieter recognized from his physics classes) was promptly sworn at in several languages (such as German, Russian, and Latin), and the large door slammed in his face, resulting in a bloody nose. Ludwig commenced pacing the room, staring at the windows and door, while Ivan looked behind the couch to see- not a cowardly American- but a rock with a note attached. He quickly motioned for the others to look at this new development.

_We hav ur frend. Com 2 the wuds and he wont get hurted._

_Sined, anonamus._

_(the ware-wolvs)_

The note was written in badly spelled, poorly written, scrawly handwriting. The paper was dirty, and the rock was mossy and damp. Ivan crumpled the note in his fist and threw the rock against the door, which shuddered, but did not break, in his fit of anger. _Damn Albert. Getting all the attention._ Again. Aves was with the children, so they were free to leave. Ivan, Liam and Dieter traipsed out the door, and locked it six times behind them. Liam led with his machete-saw and a torch he mysteriously procured from his cloak, while Dieter took up the rear with the rifle he had grabbed on the way out. The three-some made their way quietly to the werewolf camp, located in the middle of the dark "wuds." Dieter was muttering furiously, his face red with rage, about "that dummkopf girl" and "forgetting to renew protective enchantments." They arrived within the hour, to a clearing full of carnage...

**A/N: Muahahahha... first chapter in three months and I leave you hanging. Don't you just hate me right now? I hope you don't, because I consider you a friend. ^^" **

**I've always considered the werewolves illiterate, and the vampires total drama-fairy things (OOOO LOOK AT ME! I'M LIKE, A SPARKLEY VAMPIRE. TOTALLY) **

**I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but I have more pressing matters at the moment. And a cold. -_-**

**How have you been doing? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Feel free to review, PM, or throw peanuts! **

**/AuthorOut/**


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